


Posthumous

by ShingeckoInsurance



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mpreg, Presumed Dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-02-09 11:43:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1981740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShingeckoInsurance/pseuds/ShingeckoInsurance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If things had gone differently, if he'd told him, perhaps he would still be here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A sort of AU for Joined, going along the path of the scrapped plot. I'm not sure if I will ever end up finishing this fic, but I will continue to update it as a side project.

It had been a week  since Humanity’s victory over the titans. It had been fascinating, to see the titans respond to the coordinate and tear themselves apart. Self-destructive behaviour  in titans was something Hange had never seen before, they’d only heard it described in the journal of Ilse Langnar.

In humans, it was much more common.

The battle had been rough on them all, their broken shoulder was a reminder of that, but the aftermath had been tougher.

Erwin Smith was not reported back with the rest of the them. There would be no recovering his body. Not until settlement was approved, and by then not much would be left. Just bones.

It had been one week  since his death and Hange hadn’t seen Levi since. He hadn’t left Erwin’s room. They had been close, unbearably close. Hange had assumed they would eventually marry, so it was no surprise that Levi was mourning him so intensely, but he hadn’t eaten since that day, not that theyd seen, anyway, and they refused to lose another friend.

Hange knocked on the door, once, twice, a third time before opening it anyway. Levi lay in Erwin’s bed, curled tightly on his side with the blanket pulled up to his chin. A sliver of forest green covered his nose and mouth, and with a pang they realized the cloak must’ve belonged to Erwin. It held the mark of the trainee corps, of which Levi had never been part of.

His eyes were rimmed in red and stained dark underneath. He was pale and drawn, nestled in bed like a sick child. Not a word was spoken as Hange shut the door behind them and padded over to the bed, sitting on the end next to Levi’s feet.

“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but, Levi,” Hange paused turning their head to look at him. He was even more sickly looking than they had originally thought, “You need to survive. You don’t have to shoulder this alone, but we’ve won now. You can have the life he wanted for-”

“Stop…” his voice came out in one tone, the same as usual. “Zoe, stop.”

“Levi, it’s only been a week, but you need to let go eventually.”

“I can’t! I can’t ever let go, dammit!” He raised his voice, and Hange was shocked. Levi was snide and gruff, sure but he never raised his voice.

“Of course you can-”

“You don’t understand…” He was crying now, tears spilling hot down his pale cheeks no matter how hard he tried to stop them.  Levi hadn’t cried since they’d known him, and according to him, not since he was a child. He choked back a sob, “Hange,” his voice was pleading, “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh.”

“Shit. Fuck.”

“Levi…” Hange reached a hand out to touch his shoulder,  sighing as he flinched away. It would’ve been exciting, one of the best things to happen around here in a long time. But, Erwin was gone. And there was no filling the hole he’d left. Especially not for Levi.

This fact explained his pallor and the intensity of his emotions, but it also made his situation just that much worse. He hadn’t eaten, the baby hadn’t either.

“I’m going to go get you some food, and you’re going to eat it. We can talk while you do.”

“Don’t bother, I’ll get sick.”

“You need to eat. The baby-”

“I know. I can’t- I can’t take care of them.” Levi curled closer in on himself, clutching his stomach, jaw clenched and lip quivering. He was broken, Hange realized. He’d lost the person he loved most, who most loved him, and the father of his unborn child.

“Then let me help you, alright? I’ll get you some plain broth and we’ll see how you do.”

Hange was in tears as they left for the kitchen. Erwin and Levi were dear friends , and they couldn’t afford to lose them both. If Levi lost the baby- no. They couldn’t think like that. They would both be safe. Hange would do this for their friends, help their baby into the world.

 

Levi breathed in the scent of Erwin, fading too quickly from his old cloak. He wanted to sleep forever, had dreamt of Erwin the past few nights. Erwin smiling at him, Erwin kissing his belly, Erwin holding him and humming to himself.

He hadn’t known that he was to be a father. Levi hadn’t told him. Maybe if he had, Erwin would have been more careful, maybe he would’ve survived.

He would give up entirely if it weren’t for the baby. Levi clasped his hands over his stomach, biting back a sob.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered,  unsure of who exactly he was apologizing to. The baby inside of him, or its father.

He would never see Erwin again. Never hear his quiet little laugh, his low rumbling voice again. His child would never know its father, never be held in his strong hands.

It wasn’t helping to think this way, but feeding his grief was a part of the process, right? It would pass. It would hurt like hell, but then it would pass. Like any wound. It had to, or it would kill them both.

His body had already begun to change to accommodate the child, chest tender and a little swollen. He would give birth in roughly nine months, a little less and that thought terrified him. When he’d imagined the idea of children, Erwin had always been by his side.

The plan was changed now.

Levi burrowed into the blankets, feeling himself relax a little at the warmth of the bed they once shared. If he closed his eyes, forgot a little, it would be like laying in Erwin’s arms again. Since it was the closest he would ever get, he curled tighter, lulled by the heat.

They would survive this.

 

Levi ate in silence, Hange watching him take every mouthful of the broth, as if to make sure he didn’t choke, noting the way his other hand lay across his belly, rubbing gently. It warmed them a bit, to think of Levi,  humanity’s strongest soldier, expecting a little baby of his own.

“Congratulations, Levi,” they smiled weakly, “ I mean, I know it’s not...the greatest of times but-”

“Thanks, Hange.” he closed his eyes, tucking his feet up under him on the bed. That was another thing, him calling them by name rather than his usual coarse epithets. A change had occurred in him. Unsurprisingly. They had all changed. They were lost, happy in their newfound freedom, but lost nonetheless.

Levi’s eyelids were growing heavy, but he found himself wanting to stay awake out of fear that dreams would only pour salt in the wound. His stomach was roiling, but he willed himself to keep down what he’d eaten. It was important that he stay well fed. He had someone else to look after now.

“Your baby is going to be okay, Levi. As long as you keep eating, keep hydrated, sleep, recover. And I’m gonna help you do just that.”

“Hange…”

“I’m not a midwife, but I’m a fast learner, I can read up on this stuff so I know what to do for you and the little bugger. Let me do this, please.” They whispered, slowly reaching for Levi’s shoulder. He didn’t flinch away this time, instead he leaned into the touch, desperate for some human contact.

“Give it a little more time, and we can listen to the heartbeat, I swear Levi. You can hear that little miracle in your tummy.”

“I’m not even big yet, shitty glasses, so don’t call it that.”

“Well fine, how well are your pants fitting you, huh?”

“Shut up,” Levi hid his face in his hands, shaking his head. He really was an open book right now, he would have to be careful around the cadets and the public if they so happened to poke their heads into his personal business.

“You are going to keep them, right? I mean, it’s fine if you don’t want to, I shouldn’t have assumed-”

“I’m keeping the baby.”

“Good. That’s good,” Hange sighed in relief, a smile coming across their face, They froze, and their smile fell. They looked at Levi gravely serious, big brown eyes brimming with sincerity, “He’d be proud of you, you know?”

Levi stayed silent, breathing in deeply. Erwin would be so happy to be a father, a little scared too, but Levi could imagine the look on his face as he told him. It was something he had looked forward to from the minute he found out he was pregnant. Only, now…

He drew in a quivering breath, and Hange leaned into him, wrapping their arms around him and holding his head close to their chest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you-”

“No it’s fine- I just… it’s not gonna be okay for a while.”

      “Just remember you’ve got friends, okay? Don’t forget that. It’s going to be hard, Levi. On all of us.”

But especially you, they finished silently.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be coming soon, and will get more into the actual plot.

“Captain Levi,” Mikasa stood in the doorway of his office, calm as ever, “Why aren’t you going on the cleanup expedition?”

The truth of it was, no one else was willing to ask. They feared his sharp tongue and there was talk of him being severely injured or terminally ill. No one wanted to hear bad news, not after losing their commander and so many of their friends.

“I can’t, Ackerman.” Levi sighed, not looking up from the novel he was reading. That had belonged to Erwin too, and he often found himself reading the dog eared pages to see what Erwin had seen in those scrawled words. He felt closer to him somehow, when he did.

“Why, then?”

She had moved closer to the desk, face grim and worry creasing her forehead. She hadn’t cared much for Levi, but had grown to respect him, understand him. She was older now, and could see him for what he was. A man who had turned himself into a weapon and was just learning how to be human again. They were the same this way, in the aftermath of the war.

“It’s personal.” He said, curtly. It wouldn’t do to have anyone know just yet, especially not since his condition could be easily taken advantage of.

“I understand.” She nodded, closing her eyes, and he wondered who it was she was thinking of in that moment. Who she had been fighting for. But somewhere, he knew that it was Eren and the family she'd lost. They were the same in this way too, only, he had lost his own reason for fighting onward.

It had been two months since Erwin’s death.

Mikasa ducked out of the tiny office just as Hange walked in, stack of paperwork in their arms and a leather bag over one shoulder.

“You ready for your check-up?”

Levi nodded, beginning to undo the top buttons of his shirt. Hange shut the door behind them and locked it. Beaming brightly as they walked over, plopping the bag on Levi’s desk, where he was perched, and withdrawing a stethoscope and donning their gloves.

They leaned in, until they were at eye-level with Levi’s stomach.

“Well, hello there!” They giggled as Levi attempted to swat them away. He shucked off his shirt, exposing his bare torso and the tiny bump of his abdomen.

Hange hooked the instrument into their ears, placing the head on Levi’s lower belly. They smiled, and Levi found himself returning it, despite the ache in his chest. They pulled the prongs out of their ears and wordlessly offered them to Levi. He put them in, and his mouth hung open in shock.

There was not just his own heartbeat, but another. He’d known logically that this would be so, but hearing it for himself…

“No, Levi, don’t cry sweetie!”

“I’m not crying, and don’t call me that.”  He wiped at his eyes, shaking slightly. His baby was strong, healthy. They would survive.

“There’s a baby in your belly! That entitles you to a good cry now and then.”

“Keep your voice down!” he hissed as Hange moved the stethoscope to his chest, frowning slightly. They put it down, slinging it around their neck.

“You need to calm down a little, okay? I don’t want you getting all worked up. You’re under enough stress as is,” Hange reached down to feel his stomach and Levi winced.

“Sore?”

“A little, yeah.”

“That’s normal, I can give you some ginger root if you want,” Hange offered, “ Pregnancy is rough shit, though I’m sure you already know that. Just be careful and tell me if anything feels wrong, okay?” They didn’t give him room to answer as they pulled out a handful of  the herb and shoved it towards his face.

Levi clasped his hands over his mouth and gagged. Hange backed off, frantically searching for some kind of container for him to be sick in. He dove for the wastebasket at the corner of the office, full of discarded paper. He felt the burn coming up his throat and his eyes began to water from trying to hold it back.

Disgusting. He was disgusting and filthy and this was his body trying to clean him out. It wouldn’t help, he was born in filth, had grown in filth and  had stained his hands with it.  He coughed weakly as he retched into the wastebasket. Hange rubbed his back as he did, telling him to let it out, just let it all out. He took a deep breath, his head pounding. Tears streamed down his face, mainly a physical reaction to his sickness, but  also, perhaps, to his sadness.

“You’re okay, Levi. It’s normal.” They said softly,though they knew that he wasn’t okay, that he was breaking on the inside, that he was lost and lonely and carrying his dead lover’s child to top it all off. He wouldn’t be okay, not for a long time.

Levi slumped to the floor, panting and pale, eyes closed. He swallowed, and Hange took the wastebasket away to dispose of it or clean it out. He leaned against the wall and nodded, a signal that he could be left alone. Hange disappeared down the hall, swinging the door wide open. He heard footsteps, someone coming up to the doorway and stopping. He tried to make himself as small as possible, as invisible as he could be. He felt another wave of nausea as the person walked into the room, the sound of that long stride rousing him. It was so similar, so close, that he anyone could’ve made that mistake. At least, that’s what he told himself.

“Erwin…?” he asked the empty space, breathless. It was impossible, but Erwin Smith had overcome impossible odds before.

He curled in on himself as the footsteps hurried down the hall with a nervous cough. Levi scolded himself for being so childish, so naive as to think that Erwin could come back to him. He stood slowly and grabbed  his shirt from the desk, sticking his arms into the sleeves and adjusting it before buttoning it back up. It was a bit tight over his stomach, and he made a mental note to invest in some bigger clothes before his condition became all too obvious.

 

“He is sick,” Mikasa said calmly, staring straight ahead. Connie nodded and slammed a hand on the table, startling Armin, who was deep in thought.

`”I told you! He’s gonna die.”

“But I don’t think it’s like that,” she eyed him coldly, “he looked like he’d been crying. He misses Commander Erwin.” She blew on the steaming spoonful of soup

“Come on, he’s tougher than that! We’ve all lost friends.” Connie crossed his arms, irritated. Their Captain should be stronger than that, especially now.

       “I don’t think they were friends, Connie,” Armin piped up.

“Of course they were! They were always togeth- oh.” The entire table was silent, but the noise of the mess hall was still unbearable for Levi, who stood out of earshot, waiting to receive his rations, which wouldn’t be in effect much longer given that they could settle the land outside  in a few months to a year. He didn’t look so sick, Armin thought, watching as Levi slipped a note to the cook. He was a little surprised to see that Levi was given a bit extra before retreating with his wooden tray. He walked slowly and carefully through the aisles between tables, passing by them a little more quickly than he had the other tables. Hange hovered at the opposite end of the table, nodding as he passed. Armin noticed that he hadn’t taken his tea.

“Hey...he had more than us.” Sasha observed, of course she had been eyeing his plate. Hange gave a fond little smile before before calmly explaining.

“He just needs a little extra,” they said, before turning to Armin, “Do you have those notes you wanted to show me?”

“Sorry, Hange, sir, they’re under my bed.” He had a strange look in his eyes, one that Mikasa and Eren had come to recognize as calculating.

“Oh, well I’ll come by to pick them up when you’re ready.” They drummed their fingers on the table before  departing for the stairs, tapping Levi on the shoulder before he stepped up onto the first step. They pointed at a nearby empty table and put the other hand on their hip, showing him that there was no room for argument. He rolled his eyes and made his way over, plopping down rather petulantly.

“What? So he gets special treatment just because his boyfriend died?” Connie snorted. His mood had already been dark due to the disciplining he’d received from Moblit earlier. It wasn’t like Levi to want special treatment, and judging by his behavior it seemed as though it had been forced on him. Maybe by a doctor? Mikasa had said he was ill, after all. But, crying? Ill and emotional. He’d been given extra food in his rations.

Maybe, Armin wondered, watching Levi pick at his food, this special treatment wasn’t for Levi himself … maybe…

His thoughts were interrupted by raucous laughter from somewhere in the hall. Maybe it was nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

      The room was dark and warm, safe. He huddled underneath the blankets from his own room as well as the ones he and Erwin had shared. He had often teased him about his fondness for soft things. Teasing, of course, in his own special and loving way. Tucking him in and curling around him to sleep, petting him over the blankets, calling him a caterpillar whenever he cocooned himself in the blankets and always giving him a kiss on the cheek. Levi had always pretended that it bothered him, though he suspected that Erwin knew the truth.

     There would be no more of that, of course.

     Levi sat up, rubbing at his lower belly in an attempt to ease the cramping that had plagued him for the past week or so. He shivered, picking the blanket up and wrapping it around his shoulders. He felt so warm, suddenly, and so safe.

      “I hope you feel better soon,” a familiar, low voice spoke from somewhere next to him, “It’s a shame you got so sick after Wall Maria, I would’ve liked for you to be able to celebrate,” Erwin squeezed his hand, laying next to him in bed, “Have you been to a doctor?”

     “I’m not sick,” Levi calmly explained, excitement buzzing in his veins, hands trembling.

     “Oh? Then what? Are you alright, love?”

     Levi breathed in deeply, finally, he would get to tell him. Finally, Erwin would know that he was going to be a father. He smiled softly.

     “Erwin, I’m p-,” Levi turned, looking at Erwin’s body, his blue eyes wide open, blood dripping from his nose and mouth and onto the sheets. Levi choked, flinging the covers off. He had to get help, he had to-

   

       Hange stared at him, squinting. Their glasses were off and they held his shoulders tightly.

     “Levi- I was walking by and I heard you. Are you alright?” Levi sat up slowly, shaking a bit. Hange let go of him as he examined the sheets. Finding no blood, he released a soft, shaky, breath.

     “I’m fine, go back to bed.” He yawned, catching sight of the pale morning sky through the window. A dream, it was only a dream. He hadn’t lost him again. All that lingered was a sense of uneasiness and the heavy veil of grief.

       “You were yelling, I thought something was wrong with the baby,” Hange ran a hand through their hair nervously.

     “Shit, did anyone else hear?” Levi pulled the blankets self-consciously over his middle.

     “I don’t think so, but we’re gonna have to get you to calm down,” Hange sighed, sitting on the bed, next to Levi’s feet, “It’s not good for the little one to have Papa all stressed out.”

     “I know, I’ll try,” Levi sighed, rubbing at his eyes and stretching his legs.

     “You could go on leave to have the baby, it might help to get away from all this.” Hange offered, and Levi huffed in response.

     “And go where? I don’t have a place to live.”

     “I’m sure if people knew that  humanity’s strongest was having a baby, they’d be willing to help out- hey, Levi, are you crying?”

     Levi frantically wiped at his eyes with his sleeves and shook his head, even though his shoulders were shaking and tears rolled down his cheeks.

     “God, you poor thing, you’re allowed to cry you know,” Hange sighed,“You don’t have to leave headquarters, I’m not kicking you out or anything. Besides, you shouldn’t be wandering the street or staying at inns in your condition. I’d be worried if someone wasn’t keeping an eye on you.”

     He wouldn’t be getting himself into much trouble now, not with a baby on the way, but he didn’t say so. Tears continued to fall, leaving red streaks on his skin.

     He wanted a hug, desperately. He wanted another person’s warm arms around him. He wanted to be held. To be held and kissed and coddled and told that everything would be alright. He wanted so badly for Erwin to see how their baby was growing inside him.

     Levi sobbed, covering his face and trying so hard to breathe. He had to calm down, he had to keep himself together for the baby, but he was so lonely.  For the first time in many years, he only wanted his mother. Humanity’s strongest was pregnant and he wanted his mommy, if only all those nobles who scorned him in the beginning, called him a mad dog, could see him now.

     Hange reached over to rub Levi’s head as he cried.

       "Can I tell you something? It might make you feel a little better, or it might make you feel even worse. That’s why I’m asking permission.”

     Levi sniffed, and then nodded, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to force himself to stop crying.

     “I lost someone too, someone I loved very much, someone I was too late in telling just how much I loved them,” Hange closed their eyes and reached for their friend’s hand, giving it a squeeze and hoping that some contact would calm him a bit, “She was the sweetest girl, took absolutely no shit. Always made me tea when I was up researching. I hope she knew anyway, that I did.”

     Levi bit his lip drawing in a deep breath.

     “Petra. You were in love with Petra.”

     “Still am,” They said, “I wish I could tell you that it gets any easier. The pain dulls out sometimes, or most of the time, but it never goes away. You always wonder what could’ve been.” Tears still welled in Levi’s gray eyes but his breathing had calmed a bit.

      “I think about how happy he’d be, to be a dad.”

      “I’m sure he is happy, wherever he is. And I’m also sure he wishes he could be here with you.”

     “But-” Levi regretted his next words before he even said them, “ He doesn’t know, I haven’t told him yet.”

     Hange looked puzzled, but then their mouth opened in shock.

     “Levi…,”

      “Forget I said anything. It was stupid.” He nestled back down into the blankets, curling up tightly. Hange rubbed his shoulder lightly, letting go the second he jerked away.

      “You talk to him?” they asked, voice level and soft.

      “Not much. He shows up in my head sometimes, asks if I’m okay. I never get to tell him about the baby.” Levi pulled the blankets tighter around himself and swallowed the tears that he was sure would come if he spoke any further. He laid a hand over his belly, as he’d taken to doing. It was reassuring for him to be able to have some connection to his child. He loved them already, but he also knew that it wasn’t enough to love them, their future was out of his control. As healthy as they were now, there was still that nagging possibility--

      “I’m sorry, Levi. Is that what you were dreaming about when I woke you up?”

     “Yeah, I tried to tell him, but he was already…” Levi trailed off, drowsy and feeling exhausted. He wasn’t calm or comfortable, not in the slightest, but he’d been worn down.

      “Do you think you’ll be able to get back to sleep? You need all the rest you can get, but if not I’ll set you up with a snack and bore you to sleep with my notes on plant life outside the walls.”

     “I’ll be fine. You’re acting Commander, don’t you have better things to do than look after me?” Levi mumbled, most of his face covered by his pillow.

        “Hey, no more titans. Sure I’ve got shit to do, but nothing more pressing than my little  buddy in there,”  Hange gave his belly a quick pat, fully expecting a glare that never came, “Besides, you’re my friend and you’re not exactly having the best of times right now. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t looking out for you?”

     Levi frowned, closing his eyes and nuzzling into the pillow.

     “I need to go into town,” he said, changing the subject, “ my clothes are, uh…”

      “Getting a bit tight in the tum? That means the baby is growing well! It’s normal for your belly to start getting pretty distended around the nine week mark. Don’t worry, you’re not really showing yet, but in another three weeks you're going to have some explaining to do."

     “I’ll tell whoever is stupid enough to say something that I’ve been hitting the bottle and it’s gone straight to my gut,” It wasn’t the most flattering of explanations, but Levi didn’t particularly care. Protecting his child was more important than what anyone else thought of him.

       “That might hold up for a week or two, and I don’t doubt your ability to keep yourself composed in public, but most people don’t lovingly caress their beer gut.”

       “Well, everyone already thinks I’m fucking strange, let them keep thinking it for a little while longer. I’m allowed to talk to my baby.”

      “Awww, is that what you’re doing when you rub your belly? I thought you were just gassy.”

           Levi gave a noncommittal grunt in response.

        “Not even shit humor can make you feel better?” Hange teased, though they worried for him. He was haunted, that much was clear, and it wasn’t improving. He had eventually gotten out of bed, but he remained listless, drifting through the busy corridors of the Survey Corps Headquarters as though he too had died. They would catch him sometimes, so still and so silent, eyes wide open. At first they’d been afraid to try to get his attention, afraid that if they so much as spoke he would shatter. That was when they remembered that they had seen this before in passing.

     Erwin used to gently touch him, his shoulder or his elbow. He would walk directly into his view, raise his hands slowly and then whisper his name to bring him back.

    They figured it was better to try than to leave him reliving god only knew what. The first time they had done it, stood in front of him, placed a hand on his shoulder and called him back, he had been overjoyed, until the clouds in his head parted. Until he realized that his love had not returned.

     “Hange,”  He’d said, low and soft, “Don’t tell them. Don’t tell any of them.”

      Levi was snoring softly now, though by the rigid way he held his body Hange could tell that he was very much awake. He didn’t want to talk anymore, and that was okay. These things couldn’t be forced.

     They left quietly.

 

     Levi groaned at his pounding head and churning stomach. Every day started similarly. He woke up in an otherwise empty bed that was too large for him alone. He wondered for a second or two where Erwin was before he remembered.

    He showered and dressed, noting any changes in his body carefully, then grabbed one of Erwin’s books and read until breakfast.

     This morning was different. Someone was pounding at his door. He gave a low growl from underneath his blankets.

    “Captain Levi! You have a letter.”

    “Slide it under the door, I’ll read it later.”

     “She insisted that it be delivered in person.” Goddammit, if it was another noblewoman he’d stolen from years ago demanding that he pay recompense…

     “Who, exactly?”

     “Mrs. Evelyn Smith, sir.”


	4. Chapter 4

     He hadn’t known her full name. When had Erwin talked about her, he had always referred to her as mother. She was a teacher, like Erwin’s father had been. Her son never visited for fear of bringing his enemies home. She liked honey in her tea. She used to sing to Erwin when he was ill.

     This was all he knew of Evelyn Smith. That, and she was soon to be a grandmother.

     “I’m not well, slide it under the door.” He said flatly, with no room for argument. An envelope glided across the floor and he could hear hurried footsteps fading down the hall. Served them right for waking him. Swallowing the bile that crept up his throat, he bent over to pick it up and saw stars. He hadn’t lied to the recruit, he wasn’t feeling well at all, whether it was his nerves or his continued morning sickness or a combination of both. With trembling hands he opened the envelope, removing the folded letter from within. Her hand was remarkably neat, and it made him feel a bit ashamed of his own penmanship.

 

_Captain Levi,_

_In light of Humanity’s victory and our great loss, I believe it to be the right time for us to meet. We have much to discuss. I don’t mean to cause you any distress, I’m sure you must be very busy, so I will keep this brief._

_My son spoke very highly of you and it would mean very much to me to be able to speak to you in person, to hear the memories his  trusted friend must hold._

_Sincerely, E. Smith_

_17, Fletcher’s Path, Karanes District._

     The signature reminded him far too much of Erwin’s own. He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping to quell his dizziness. Our great loss. His  trusted friend. In Erwin’s letters to his mother, he had told her that he’d fallen in love. Either she wasn’t too receptive to the idea or she had worried that someone other than Levi would read her message. Either way, it shouldn’t have worried him so much.

     His first instinct was to avoid this meeting at all costs, but this was Erwin’s family, his child’s family, and if things had gone differently, she would’ve been his family as well. Whether she was going to berate him, blame him for Erwin’s death, demand Erwin’s belongings, curse the fates for dictating that her only grandchild would grow in the belly of a thug, or--

     He sighed. This was a problem he had. He always wondered what someone wanted from him, believed that they couldn’t possibly want  to spend time with him in earnest, that he was still trash.

      Erwin had helped him, convinced him that he was worth spending time with. He’d believed for the first time since Isabel and Farlan had died, that he had friends.

    Now, it seemed that those who spent time with him only did so out of guilt or worse, pity. He knew that he should give Hange more credit than that, that she wasn’t so dishonest, but it was difficult.

        Levi had to go to Karanes District, if for no other reason than the loneliness that was eating at him. He would probably be a mess by the end of it, but Erwin had spoken of her so fondly and his judgement of character was usually sound.

      Besides, the baby would eventually want to know what had happened to their father, what he was like when he was young. It wouldn’t be fair to them to keep them away from their grandmother  purely because he was nervous. Even if she did turn him away, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to him.

 

       “You look a little less sick today, Levi,” Hange greeted him, still groggy from the twenty minutes or so that they’d slept, “You won’t believe what some of these nobles think lives beyond the walls-,” they began, a little frantic. They’d been meeting with them to procure funding for settlement, and they had been largely receptive, but also very imaginative. In the ancient books that had been recovered, there were illustrations of large winged snakes and many-headed dogs, but there were also later volumes disproving their existence. This didn’t stop people from running wild with the idea of magical beasts having lived alongside the titans, or still lurking outside. Thus, an influential few had declared settlement to be too dangerous at this time, though it was more likely that they feared the collapse of the monopoly that they controlled within the walls.

      At the distressed look in Levi’s eyes, Hange halted their rant.

      “Hey are you alright? Does anything hurt?” They asked, jittery.

     “I got a letter,” Levi said plainly from where he sat on the couch in Hange’s office.

     “From who?” Hange asked, concerned. Levi rubbed at the back of his neck, feeling how long his hair had gotten. Erwin usually cut it for him. He didn’t trust anyone else to do it.

     “Mrs. Smith,” He sighed, putting his feet up and folding his hands over the slight curve of his stomach, leaning his head back on the arm of the couch, “We have some things to talk about.”

      “I’d say so,” Hange smiled softly, “Want me and Moblit to come into town with you so that you’re not alone in case you get sick, or if  it doesn’t go well? He doesn’t have to know about-”

     “Don’t go out of your way, I’ll be fine.” He closed his eyes and settled further into the couch.

     “Still sleepy?”

     Levi hummed in response stretching his legs and turning halfway onto his side so that he could rest his head comfortably. He sniffed, grateful that the couch was passably clean.

         "You gonna tell her you're having his baby?"

        “I owe it to Erwin and the kid.”  Levi drummed his fingers absentmindedly on his belly, nerves beginning to get the better of him all over again.

       “You’re gonna get some new clothes while you’re there, right? I mean, if you want to keep hiding it--”

       “Yeah, I’ll pick some out, probably get a head start on some stuff the baby will need. Have to figure out where I’m gonna live though and-” He swallowed thickly, breath quickening.

      “You can stay at headquarters as long as you need, lots of people are already leaving. It won’t be so stressful for you then. It’s safe here, and there’s enough space for a little nursery in the officer’s quarters. Plus, I’d be right here if-” Hange stopped herself, “ For your check-ups.”

      Levi gave them a sideways glance, eyes slightly wide. There was something they hadn’t spoken about, something that could happen no matter how well he took care of himself and the child. Something that, if it came to pass, would leave him in pieces.

     “Come to think of it, don’t you need some supplies, Hange?”

      “No, I can’t really think of any-” they looked up from their journal, and upon seeing Levi’s expression, let a soft “Oh,” pass their lips, “Of course. You wouldn’t mind if I tagged along, would you?”

     “Not really,” He said flatly, gaze soft and grateful.

  
  


      Levi walked slowly down the side-street, his usual long stride replaced with an uneasy shuffle. He was quite obviously nervous, shoulders slumped and hands tucked up into the overlong sleeves of the jacket he wore.

     Hange was waiting in a tavern on the corner, chatting with an eager young woman that towered over them, with close-cropped hair, he guessed that she was military. Garrison, maybe, as she didn’t look the least bit familiar. That didn’t seem to bother Hange in the slightest, but Levi was never one to play nice with strangers. Besides, he didn’t want to be away from home for any longer than he had to.

     He took a deep breath and pressed on. Inner Karanes district was not nearly so cramped as the other cities he’d been in, and for that he was relieved, but as he arrived at the front of the little house where Erwin had spent his childhood, any easiness he felt dissolved.

     There was a little garden in front, one that had withered a bit in the early autumn. He clenched his fists, squeezing the fabric of his inner sleeve.

     “We’ll be okay.” He felt silly for saying it aloud, but maybe if he said so, he would actually believe it. With a final attempt to convince himself that this was the right course of action, he walked the little dirt path to the front door and knocked softly.

     He closed his eyes, lids feeling heavy, and began to relax, softening his posture and letting his mind wander. He was definitely going to take a nap when he got back to headquarters, maybe a warm bath, a cup of ginger tea..

      At the click of the door being opened he jumped, eyes going wide. Levi tilted his head back to look up.

     The face he saw was a stern one, strong, but with crinkles at the edges of the eyes. They were blue, framed by blonde hair that was touched with silver. He imagined that Erwin might look a bit like this one day, if he had survived. With an ache in his chest, he opened his mouth to speak.

     “Mrs. Smith, I’m-”

     “I know who you are,” she said, standing at least four inches taller than him, and the rigid set of her jaw softened, “Please, come in, Levi.”

     She stood to the side and allowed him to pass through. He stood aimlessly in the entryway to the kitchen, staring at the cozy looking living room. If  he tried, he could imagine Erwin sitting on the floor, that book of fables in his hands, eyes bright and a wide smile on his face. He could also see himself, sitting next to Erwin on that couch years later, their own children excitedly acting out the stories themselves.

     He swallowed, snapping his attention back to the present, to reality. It was no use to think of what he couldn’t have. Evelyn strode into the kitchen ahead of him, opening a cabinet and looking back at him expectantly. It took Levi a few seconds to realize that she had said something to him.

     “Black tea. That’s what you enjoy most, right? I’ll make us both a cup,” She smoothed her shirt and reached for another cup. Levi panicked.

      “No thank you, I’m- well, I’m trying to cut back.”

      “Oh, alright,” she nodded, her voice shaking as she spoke, “Please, make yourself comfortable,” she said, gesturing  to the table and its two chairs. Levi awkwardly made his way over, pulling the chair out a little too far and sitting down. Evelyn closed the cabinet and sat down, taking a deep breath. There was silence for a minute or two as she looked at Levi, and then she smiled, soft and sad.

     “I’ve only ever seen you at a distance, but you look a bit different to me, somehow,” she furrowed her brow, lips turning down at the corners, “ I don’t mean this in a negative way, of course. You look a little  less hollow, now. I suppose all the soldiers do.”

     Levi blinked at her, digging his nails into the table a bit, entire body tensed.

      “Ah, but now I’m stalling,” she sighed, any trace of playfulness gone, “I just- I would like to know that he had some measure of happiness in his life before the end.”

     “He knew that he was helping humanity to break free,” Levi recited it as though it were a rehearsed line, which in some ways, he supposed it was, “He was happy to do so.”

     “Levi, you don’t have to speak that way with me, I know,” she nodded solemnly, “I know that he loved you very much.” Levi’s breath caught in his throat, and he felt his heart begin to pound. He could feel the tears pricking at his eyes and resolved to keep himself together. If not for his own sake, then for Evelyn’s.

     “I love him,” he said, as flatly as he could manage, “We couldn’t really let ourselves feel much, but he was loved to the end, and he knew. He had to know.”

       He expected to be more emotional, anyone would be having suffered the loss that he had, and with his pregnancy on top of it, he feared he may not be able to mask the fact that he was in ruins.

     “ Thank you, I’m glad,” Evelyn blinked her tears away, “He wrote about you all the time in his letters, and when he said that he’d fallen in love, I knew it had to be you. He wanted to give you the world, or at the very least, a home.”

     Levi sniffed, folding his hands tightly and willing himself not to let the tears fall. They could have had that together. Erwin didn’t need to die for that to happen. But, Levi had not been the  only one that he’d left behind.

     “I have some of his uniform left, if you would like to keep it,” he offered, though the thought of sleeping in that bed without Erwin’s cloak around him was abhorrent.

     “Oh, no I can’t take that from you, dear. You should hold on to every piece of him that you have left,” She looked to the sketch of a rabbit that was framed and hanging on the wall, “I couldn’t imagine parting with anything of my husband’s,” Evelyn smiled fondly, “I have some things of Erwin’s too, to keep me company.”

      That was when Levi realized that this woman had no one left. Her family was gone, one killed by humanity, and one killed while trying to protect it.

        But, there was someone else, someone she hadn’t met yet. Levi straightened his shoulders leaning back against the chair, eyes downcast.

      “There’s something else he left with me.”

        “Oh?” Evelyn tilted her head, looking a bit concerned. Levi smiled, a rare sight, and it caused his tears to roll down his cheeks.

     “He didn’t know- I should’ve told him, I-” Levi held back a sob and squeezed his eyes shut. He exhaled, body relaxing. It was alright, it was safe to tell her now.

     “Are you alright?”

     “I’m pregnant.” he forced out, and whether from relief or sadness or a combination of both, he broke down and wept.

     Evelyn was silent, and his first instinct was to get as far away as possible. He stood up too quickly and instantly felt lightheaded. He pitched forward, but was caught in a gentle embrace. He hid his face in Evelyn’s shoulder and cried, her hands warm and encouraging on his back.

     They stood like that for a long while, both of them weeping, for their joy, for their grief, for the man they had lost. When they parted, they both took a moment to compose themselves. Evelyn lifted her hands to hover over Levi’s abdomen, looking to him for permission, as Erwin did before touching him.

     “May I?”

     “Yeah,” Levi answered somewhat proudly, and Evelyn gently laid her hands on either side of his belly. It felt nice to have someone to share this with, to share the memory of Erwin with as well.

     “Goodness! I can already feel where you’re growing, how far along are you?”

     “About nine weeks, they’ll be born at the start of spring.”

     “ He’d be so happy, Levi. Congratulations, dear,” she leaned down a bit to kiss his forehead, as she had done with her own son when he was young, “If you need anything, anything at all, don’t hesitate to come by,” she hugged him again, sudden, but gentle.

     “Thank you,” Levi whispered, “Thank you.”

  
  
     By the time he and Hange arrived back at headquarters, Levi was absolutely exhausted and decided to go straight to bed, rather than risk falling asleep in the bath. He bid Hange goodnight and returned to his quarters, changing into loose, comfortable clothes and snuggling down into bed. He rested both hands on the little swell of his belly, his way of saying goodnight to the little one, and fell asleep swiftly. He did not dream.


End file.
